Looking for Myself
by AuroraWriter
Summary: Who was he? Where was he? How did he end up in the arms of this odd, amazing... clown troll? Tavros suffers from amnesia. Gamzee tries his hardest to help Tavros remember as their worlds fall apart between the empty memory gaps. PBJ.
1. Waking Up

I do not own Homestuck.

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The world seemed to spin and blur around him when he awoke. His body felt numb and he began to panic, but calmed when he realized his arms and upper body was functional. He was deeply puzzled to find himself near the shore at the bottom of a cliff. He wondered for a moment how he even got here.

He knew for sure that he's not getting anywhere in this state, though. He couldn't walk and found that his arms were too weak to pull his body back to his hive. Wait... where did he live?

Wait. Who was he? What was his name? He was suddenly aware of how little he knew about himself. The sudden burst of questions flooding his brain and total confusion made him feel small and helpless as he began to cry.

He felt large arms wrap themselves around the crying troll. The hands of those arms papped the crying troll's face soothingly and a voice hushed him. Soon, the crying stopped, but he didn't know who had comforted him. He look up to see a face caked in clown makeup.

"Are you okay now?" said the clown-troll in the most comforting voice the small broken troll thought he has ever heard.

"Y-Yes..." His voice came out squeaky and wavered. He thought his own voice was pathetic and immediately shut his mouth.

The larger troll chuckled warmly. "Come on," he said, gesturing to follow him as he walked a few feet away.

"I-I can't walk," said the broken troll. He suddenly found himself being lifted into the air by strong arms. He squeaked in surprise and the larger troll carried him back to a large hive. Noticing that he was a rust-blooded troll, he was sure this wasn't his residence. Probably his... "savior's." The other was an indigo-blood after all.

The indigo-blooded troll settled the rust-blooded troll in the middle of a bedroom with piles of horns, juggling clubs, and a unicycle. The lost rust-blood looked down at his hands feeling a little misplaced. His own hands didn't look familiar. His face was flushed from crying earlier and his eyes stared blankly into his palms, looking defeated. The large troll spoke then, his voice hopeful. "Hey, Tavbro."

The rust-blooded troll wondered who his savior was talking to as he continued to lose himself further than his hands into darkness. The clown-troll spoke again, a little confused. "Tav." Whoever it was, they probably can't hear very well. "Tavros!" The large troll put his hands on the shoulders of the smaller, causing both to jump in surprise.

The rust-blood timidly looked up to the taller troll and choked out a question. "A-Are you talking to me?"

"Yeah, I am. Unless your name ain't Tavros," chuckled the other.

"I... I don't know what my name is..." the smaller troll said, shrinking into himself. The smile on the clown-troll suddenly vanished and was replaced with an expression of worry. "I don't know anything..." he spoke again. He began to cry again.

The clown-troll asked him, "Do you remember me?" The small troll shook his head. The clown-troll frowned for a moment, then it was replaced with a soft grin. He took the smaller troll's chin with one hand and looked into his watery eyes. "First thing's first. Your name is Tavros Nitram."

"Tavros Nitram..." he repeated. Something about it felt amiss, but he accepted the name, putting his full trust in his savior who grinned like a fool at... Tavros. He smiled back shyly and tried again. "My name is Tavros Nitram."

The other troll released Tavros' chin, happy with how happy Tavros had become and took the hands he'd been staring in to and gripped them firmly yet gently. Tavros noticed the other's hands were chilling, but it was comforting. He chose to follow the saying, "Cold hands lead to a warm heart."

Tavros' smile suddenly faultered. He looked up at the other troll and tilted his head curiously. "What's y-your name?" he asked.

"I'm your best bro, Gamzee Makara," he replied with a lazy smile. Tavros liked that name. It was a fun name.

Tavros' smile returned and he looks at Gamzee and says, "Thanks for comforting me earlier and bringing me to your hive."

Gamzee chuckled and waved a hand lazily. "It's no problem. Besides, your hive is far." Tavros' eyes became big and round.

"You know where I live?" he asked. Before Gamzee could answer, he was flooded by a million more questions. "Where do I live? What does my hive look like? What kind of lusus do I have? Is it cloudy there?"

"Woah, woah, hold up." Gamzee held up his hands, palms facing Tavros signaling for him to slow down. Once Tavros settled down, he spoke again. "Those are some pretty good questions. But, how 'bout you go see for yourself tomorrow?"

Tavros grinned. "R-Really? You'll take me... home?" Gamzee nodded. Tavros squeezed Gamzee's hands which caressed Tavros' own.

Tavros sat with Gamzee in the middle of his bedroom, holding his hands to keep himself upright and thought over what had happened to him in the short few hours since he'd awoken to a blank mind. _My name is Tavros Nitram. I have a friend named Gamzee Makara. He's my best friend. He's going to take me home tomorrow._

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Author's Note: First Homestuck fanfiction. This is obviously a series. I'll try hard to make it short. I'll try harder to make it happy. I'll try my very hardest to continue this story and not give up on it like my other stories. I also would like to rewrite this so I can create a comic out of this. Please review, I'd like to know if there are areas that need fixing before continuing. Thank you for reading.


	2. Home

I do not own Homestuck.

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Since regaining his name, Tavros has been in a happy mood, responding happily to whenever he heard it. Gamzee made sure to use his friend's full name instead of the nicknames he had, "Tavbro" or "Tav." He had to slip up at one point, but Tavros accepted the nicknames, being more comfortable with it instead of his full name, strangely.

Gamzee provided for Tavros as much as he could, keeping Tavros cheerful, trying to redirect his thoughts from his empty mind. Gamzee carried Tavros whenever he needed to move around, often giving him a piggyback ride and running around his hive, pretending to be flying. His heart fluttered with joy when he heard Tavros' nervousness melt away in his laughter.

When dawn approached, he helped Tavros get sopor slime on him to assure he didn't get any nightmares. Especially since Tavros couldn't fit his head into the recooperacoon due to his horns. Gamzee closed up all his windows to prevent any light from seeping in and blinding him just so he could stay up and watch Tavros and make sure he isn't harmed by any nightmares. But Gamzee fell asleep "on duty" sooner or later.

Tavros awoke to find himself staring up to a gray ceiling. His thoughts started to race and panic flooded him as he fumbled to prop himself up on his elbows, realizing once again that his legs were dead and... he didn't know who he was or where he was. His panic and tears were abruptly stopped when he heard snoring to his right. He turned around and met the peaceful sleeping face of his friend. _My friend,_ he thought. _My friend's name... is Gamzee Makara,_ he recalled.

Gamzee's face paint has smudged off a bit in his sleep only to end up smeared on his arms, in his hair, and around the collar of his shirt. Tavros chuckled a bit and tried to wipe some awkward looking smudges off Gamzee's face. _He looks so cute asleep like that,_ he thought. Then he became confused.

_Are we matesprits?_ Well, Gamzee said he was his friend, so they must be pale. But that thought... _Maybe I have red feelings for Gamzee. But why would I be when I can't remember my own name? _As Tavros continued to wipe around the paint, Gamzee woke up. He smiled and Tavros smiled awkwardly back.

"G'morning, Tav," Gamzee said. Tavros looked puzzled. Gamzee realised Tavros couldn't remember his own name quite yet. "Your name is Tavros Nitram. Remember? I like to call you Tav or Tavbro."

Tavros' face lit up, the memory of the previous day flooding back to him. "That's right... Thanks, Gamzee," Tavros whispered, still not quite used to using his voice. He felt like it wasn't his. Gamzee wondered why his buddy could remember his name but not his own.

He quickly pulled himself out of his gloom and reminded Tavros of the little trip they'd be taking that day. Tavros was quick to remind that his legs weren't functional, but Gamzee simply said he'd carry him all the way.

Gamzee captchalogued a few things, mainly bottles of Faygo, a few sopor pies, and some other food. He was pretty sure Tavros had food at his hive, but it was just a precaution he was mindful enough to take for his friend.

He bent over to let Tavros climb onto his back and they began their trek, the vast, dark ocean behind them, its waves gently rolling into the shore.

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Gamzee and Tavros passed the rainbow of blood colors of the hemospectum; other indigo-bloods, a few blue-bloods, and an olive-blood; and a variety of biomes like plains and forests. After a full day of walking and a few breaks and running from other trolls, a windmill like hive came into view. "There's your hive, Tav," Gamzee said happily. Tavros looked at it curiously.

Gamzee bounced Tavros on his back to get a better hold and a more comfortable position and walked up to the door. It was very windy causing the windmill to turn, making a very loud whooshing sound whenever it passed above their heads. Gamzee reached for the doorknob only to find it locked. Tavros let out a breath he realized he'd been holding in nervousness and anticipation.

Gamzee soothingly rested his hand on Tavros' and reassured him that it'd be okay. He put Tavros down next to the door and began to search for a spare key. After checking typical areas like at the top of the door frame and in some of the shrubbery, Gamzee sighed and stared at the door. "Where's your keys, door?" he asked it.

Tavros felt like he wasn't much help. He shoved his hands into his pockets and felt something cold and metalic. "Hey, Gamzee. Look what I found in my pocket. Maybe this is it?" He held up a key. Gamzee took it from Tavros and tried it on the door. It unlocked with a click.

Gamzee picked Tavros back up and stood in front of the door. "It was a good thing you had that in your pocket," he simply stated, trying to chase away the anxiety.

"Y-Yeah... it was a lucky break," Tavros replied. He was nervous. It was probably his house, but it felt like he was breaking into a stranger's house.

"Tavros, are you ready?" Gamzee asked encouragingly. With a nod from Tavros, he reached out and opened the door.

...

The house wasn't too tidy, but it was neater than Gamzee's hive. What looked like playing cards, oddly colored eggs, and stuffed animals were scattered in the floor. When they arrived at the bedroom, the walls were covered in posters. All of them were related to games, but one was different. It was on Pupa Pan.

Tavros couldn't keep his eyes off the Pupa Pan poster for some reason. Gamzee set him down in the middle of the room and sat with him, leaning back on his hands comfortably. There was silence, not too awkward but not homey either. Tavros just stared at the walls and the room, always returning to Pupa Pan.

"You love Pupa Pan." Gamzee's voice cut the silence. "You said you wanted to be like him. Be young forever, live happily, and most importantly, fly freely to wherever you wished. Just like him." The story of Pupa Pan was indeed in there, rising from the abyss of his empty mind. The tale was crystal clear, each word sure as if he'd memorized it. The tale told of wicked adventures, action, and... happiness.

Tavros looked down and picked up one of the playing cards scattered on the floor. There was a picture of a cute monster on the front and a cool orange red design on the back. At the top right corner of the back of the card said "Fiduspawn." He saw Gamzee was looking at a card, too. "You liked playing this game, too. I didn't quite understand it, though." Tavros examined the other cards and found that the game and its rules started to slowly return to him like the stories of Pupa Pan. He wished his other memories would return like that.

A little pixie like bull creature flew into the room and fluttered around Tavros' head. Tavros giggled as the flying bull nuzzled his face. "Who's this?" Tavros asked.

"That's your lusus, Tinker Bull," Gamzee replied. He waved at the creature and it acknowledged him with a nuzzle. Although Tavros sat in his own room, he continued to absentmindedly look around curiously every few seconds. Gamzee chuckled. "There's a lot to learn about yourself. You are an amazing troll."

Tavros looked at his friend in the eyes and smiled. As he did the previous day, he held Gamzee's hands and thought over his day. _My name is Tavros Nitram. I have a friend named Gamzee Makara. He's my best friend. I live in a windmill house. I like Pupa Pan and Fiduspawn and gaming in general. I have a cute lusus named Tinker Bull. There is still much more for me to learn and for Gamzee to teach me about myself._

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Author's Note: I've never been so dedicated to writing a series like this before. Maybe I'm a little more serious about writing than I was before. I mean, I guess I only wrote before because I was a stupid noob and weaboo combined into a stupid little pre-teen with too much stupid time and too much stupid imagination. Not to mention a friend of mine was writing so I was like, "Why the heck not," and jumped right into it blindly just because I wanted to do what my friend was doing. ***coughstevethemonkey7checkouthisfanficscough*** But here I am, a little less of a weaboo, no longer much of a noob, and not too stupid anymore. Quite an improvement, if you ask me.

Okay, stop reading my stupid talk about myself and go to the next chapter already (if it's even there yet). Leave a review about this chapter; was it well worded, was it rushed, was it repetitive, did it carry emotion well? Thanks for reading.


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